An angry & unreasonable train of thought

ImageIrritability and anger are two hypo symptoms I am not proud of.  I am often unreasonably flying off the handle before I realise that it is due to my blood sugar being low and treating.  Early mornings are the hardest time for me to manage at the moment.  I experience the dawn phenomenon and have found that the best way to prevent higher blood glucose levels in the morning is to adjust my basal rates.  Unfortunately this only works effectively if I wake up at the same time and follow a reasonably tight routine for the two hours following.  Anyone with kids and / or pets will know that that is rarely achievable!  Most of the time I can fumble through.  If I don’t it usually ends up in a messy hypo, then an awkward rebound high BSL mid-morning.  Lately I’m not managing the fumble very well.

On this particular morning, I was standing at the coffee machine for the fifth time having not actually made a coffee.  There were a variety of reasons for this; most relating to the kids and BobCat.  I could feel that the BSL of 5.8 mmol/L that I had woken up with slipping away.  I should have eaten about 30 minutes earlier but that simply didn’t happen.  A sweet little voice floated across the kitchen from the bench where the kids were eating breakfast.  It was my wise old owl, Aspen of 8 years saying, “Mummy, you are really quick to get angry today.  One thing goes wrong and you just get angry, without giving us any chances or warnings.”

My heart sank and I turned to face the corner so that Aspen & Jarrah couldn’t see my expression of utter failure and defeatism.

In that moment this was my train of thought…

♥ How dare you say that, Aspen

♥ Oh gawd, Kim settle down, it’s not her fault

♥ It’s my fault; I should be the adult and not anger so quickly

♥ But I only get angry like that when I have a hypo

♥ Oh hold on, am I having a hypo?

♥ Geezus, I should know how to handle my BSL’s in the morning

♥ Hang on a minute, I do and it still doesn’t work out

♥ So what the hell am I supposed to do about that

♥ I want to get angry at someone, for them to deserve it and it mean something

♥ I wish my diabetes had a face so I could punch it square between the eyes

♥ Gawd diabetes makes normal things so frustrating sometimes

♥ Why don’t I just grab a handful of jelly beans to treat this hypo

♥ Because I don’t want my BSL to go high later on or have those extra calories on board

♥ And just because! Because why should I?!

♥ How selfish of you, Kim; your kids should come first and you shouldn’t get angry at them for no reason

♥ But I do have reasons; reasons that very few people understand first hand

♥ If I let my BSL go high every morning so I don’t get angry, then my HbA1c creeps up

♥ And if I let my HbA1c creep up, my chances of complications increase

♥ If I get complications my kids may not have me around for as long as I want to be around for them

♥ Oh stop being melodramatic, Kim

♥ But you’re on borrowed time; 27 year of type 1 diabetes and counting

♥ Bloddy hell, I hope that my “angry hypo moments” don’t make my kids feel like I don’t love them

♥ Gawd I love my kids

♥ I love them so much I can’t think straight

Then the moment passed.  I made myself a large flat white with one and I got on with my day.

 

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One thought on “An angry & unreasonable train of thought

  1. diabordinary says:

    Love you Kim! Love your honesty and thoughts – can definitely relate to that train. Big hugs, and hope you work out the dawn phenomenon thing soon x

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