I have finally put a pathology request form in my handbag that was written out by my Endocrinologist for April, 2014. The anticipation is killing me and I am so glad! Finally, I want to know what my HbA1c is, and how a few other “levels” are tracking.
Around November last year my health took an unexpected turn. All of a sudden diabetes had to take a backseat and it was very unfamiliar territory. Unfortunately the health changes I was experiencing affected my diabetes control so much so that I simply disengaged. The exhaustion I was feeling due to not really knowing what was wrong with me was winning over.
Every time my blood glucose level jumped to a destination that wasn’t on the itinerary, I didn’t even throw my hands in the air anymore. I just rolled my eyes, plugged a correction into my pump, or a hypo treatment into my mouth and carried on. I simply didn’t care because I had no idea what the outcome was going to be. Why hope? It would inevitably lead to disappointment. In more recent times I have also been quite overwhelmed with a new batch of specialists, diagnostics, treatment options and potential outcomes. I have learnt so much about the healthcare system that reaches beyond the bounds of diabetes care. All of this has echoed well into 2014.
But for some reason, I have reached a point where I feel like knowing how my diabetes is tracking again! My other health issues aren’t resolved. A particular set of symptoms are a little more under control, but that’s about it for now. The cause is yet to be discovered as more symptoms line up at the door. I have surmised that this renewed desire to find out my diabetes-related levels is because I have made some progress which I didn’t actually think I had to make…
I have suspended judgement on myself.
By choice I have been doing it really tough behind a cheery exterior. I haven’t wanted these health issues interfere with my beautiful life; I have so much to be grateful for. So I have finally decided to congratulate myself for prioritising my health needs. I have chosen to stop feeling guilty about letting my diabetes control slip. To me guilt is also a choice and I know I have been doing the very best that I can given my current circumstances.
So no matter what my blood work reveals, it will simply be information. And I won’t let anyone else do anything with that information except read it and file it.
I am showing other people how to treat me by putting the gavel down.